Bulls With Mammaries

It's days like this that we males are reminded in no uncertain terms just how unnecessary we are to this whole human adventure. With all my rippling muscles and manly brawn (ok, allow me a little poetic license here), I can do nothing to take this pain away from Heather. Sitting here I feel like the proverbial "boobs on a bull", spilling over with good intentions, but nothing real to give.

So I just sit here and try to do my best to let Heather know I'm here and I wish I could take the pain myself. I remind her that in a few hours she'll be able to hold her new daughter for the first time.

I hope that's good enough because that's all I can do.

Big Butt & Smooth Skin

OUT ON THE TOWN

Act I
Scene I

[Cozy but drafty pub on Woodward Avenue. Old warehouse with high ceilings and highly varnished wooden floors. Second floor with a nice view down darkening Woodward. A guy and his pretty wife are sitting at a booth having micro-brews and eating better-than-average bar food. They are ready to move on to their next adventure but the waitress is nowhere to be seen with the check. A mid-90's alternative rock song plays in the background, something by Collective Soul.]

Dave, getting a little anxious: "Where is that waitress with the big butt and smooth skin?"

Heather: "Smooth skin?"

Dave: "Yes, and big butt."

Heather: "Smooth skin?

Dave: "Y....yes."

Heather: "You noticed her skin?"

Dave: "Yes....er...um...and her big butt?"

[The big butt is irrelevant to the issue, and is summarily dismissed by Heather. It's the skin that matters here...]

Heather: "The big butt is out there for anyone to see, but you really have to look hard to see that she has smooth skin. I would rather have you say she had nice boobs."

Dave: "She reached her arm right in front of me, and I saw her skin! Big deal. Besides, she doesn't have nice boobs..."

[Guys. We never learn, do we?]