White Chapel

Well, it happened. I got my first sales brochure from a cemetery yesterday. They graciously waited until I was 46 years old to gently remind me of my mortality and add me to their mailing list of potential customers.

 

White Chapel Memorial Park Cemetery - "Where memory lives in Beauty"

 

According to the brochure, they think I would be a good fit for their new Fountain of Eternal Memories, which looks impressive in the photo (a little like a war monument) and boasts "outdoor crypts and cremation niches".

 

Or, for the weather-averse dead, there is the lavish indoor Temple of Memories Mausoleum, which features "indoor crypts and cremation niches". No swimming pool as far as I can tell.

 

And alas, for the dead who are also dead broke, there is the "traditional" garden area, at prices that will "never be lower". That's the lawn, for all you peeps with Pine Knob experience.

 

Conveniently, and best of all, the cemetery is in Troy! What's not to like?

 

Never mind the fact that the Whitechapel district of London was the territory of Jack the Ripper. I'm sure they don't see the connection.

 

I would be considered, thankfully, a "pre-need" customer. We're livelier and much pinker than the "post-need" variety. Plus, we can still speak and our finances are not all tied up in probate court. That makes us more valuable than the stiffer type of customer whose family just wants to get rid of him fast at the lowest possible cost.

 

Here's an interesting marketing snag...when you send out cemetery adverts at random like this, there is the outside chance that one could arrive at a household just as uncle Albert is hovering over death's door, and may be seen as opportunistic in such a case. For that eventuality they have provided a pre-packaged apology at the bottom of the page: "If this letter should arrive at your home during a time of sickness or sorrow, we humbly apologize".

 

Personally, this euphemism-filled sales pitch doesn't really work for me. It just creeps me out. I think they ought to bring their marketing efforts into the 21st century and show some zombies on the brochure. Now that would be cool! Who wants to molder and rot in a grave when they could be up staggering around the local neighborhoods terrorizing the living and their pets.

 

Despite the fact that they sweetened the deal with a $100-off coupon (with no expiration date), and they have a spring tulip photo contest that could net me a $500 White Chapel gift certificate, I think I'll hold off committing to any one resting place for now. Who knows, I might end up in Westminster Abbey, reclining for eternity in between Newton and Darwin.