The Density Of Socks

Ala, our Polish industrial-strength, tough-as-leather housekeeper, has a few odd habits that really bug us. I know, I know...these are little things and we should be happy we have a housekeeper. And we are, but there are just a few small things...these must be the kinds of problems rich people have.

She rolls and winds up socks until they are the density of neutron star-matter...she puts all the dishes in the wrong place, every time...she threatens to clean my computer screen with some terrible chemical that would melt it...those kinds of things...

...and we can't tell her because she only speaks Polish.

So, there are some options available to us here. We can:

1) Learn Polish. Not likely.

2) Use sign language. Hard to convey certain things like empathy and screens melting.

3) Use a crude, approximate translator like Google. Ahhh...this one shows promise. So I go to Google translator, and type in something like:

"Ala, please don't fold up our socks until they are the denisty of neutron star matter."

Google mulls this over for a few microseconds and spits out:

"Ala, proszę nie zamykaja sie w naszym skarpetki, dopóki nie są denisty of neutron star sprawy."

Yeah...so a few issues here. I have no clue whatsoever how to pronounce words that have letters like "ę" in them. Is that an "e" with a chin? Is it pronounced "Chin-ee"?

Also, I know a few things about computer translations, they often add up the wrong meanings of words until the resultant mess is completely wrong. This sentence might say:

"Ala, your corns are sexy and I would love to douse you in duck broth and shampoo your back" for all I know.

And, what, no translation for "density" or "neutron star"? I guess I can forgive that last one, but I know a few Polish women and they all have at least some density.

I shudder to think how it would translate "Apple Cinema Display".

There are just too many unknowns here. I don't trust this yet. Until we come up with a better idea, we're just going to have to hope for the best and hide our socks.

Note: one of my ever-astute readers pointed out that you can't spell "density" wrong and still get a proper translation. The correctly-spelled word now translates as "gęstość", which makes even less sense to me. At least they DO have a word for it.

Ala King

Last night we got the reminder call that Ala is coming today to clean the house. She is Polish and doesn't speak much English, and her husband Tony doesn't speak much more.

(my phone buzzes)

"Hello?"

"Alooo!? Alooo? Dis Dabeed? Dabeed, dis Tony. I remind...Ala is comink tomooroo?"

"Yes", I say, "tomooroo is fine, I mean, er...tomorrow is fine". And thusly it is done. Our lives will once again be transformed by Ala's cleansing powers.

All Praise Ala

Our new housekeeper "Ala" starts tomorrow, and judging by reports from my brother who recommended her, our lives are about to change. She is from Poland and apparently works like a mule team on caffeine and uppers. She often stays for 12 hours and reorganizes his whole house during the day, which also includes doing all the laundry.

She seems very nice, but in a "get the hell out of my way so I can get this done" kinda way. We're spending tonight making sure all clutter, dogs, and small children are way out of her way by tomorrow.

I'll give a full report from the new crib after Hurricane Ala...