"Sincerity is the most difficult thing to master. Once you learn to fake that, the rest is easy." - Unknown
A friend of mine emailed me asking for advice for a friend of his who is recently divorced. After my divorce I used an online dating service for a while, learning enough about what to do and what not to do to write a big fat book (manifesto as Ingrid says). Perhaps one day I'll publish it. In the meantime, I'd like to point out some of the basic "lessons learned" of this crazy pursuit.
I really wish I could comment on individual people, but of course, that would be a bad idea. And if you are someone I internet dated once, this post was not directed at you. Not at all.
Remember, this is written from a guy's perspective, and this phase of my life was years ago, so things may have changed in the online scene. But I doubt it. Ok, ready?
What is this online dating thing? Well, I can tell you what it's not: It's not a bar, and that's what makes it a great place to meet people. You can converse and charm and talk and not have to fight off any pre-hominid life forms. And there's no dancing. That's important for the 95% of the male population that are rhythm-challenged. You can converse with girls before you meet them, and you have time to prepare your responses. You see, most guys are cavemen of one type or another. But girls want to meet Modern Man. So she's going to try to determine how far down the scale you are, and you'd better not leave her with a "Cro-Magnon" taste in her mouth or it's over before it starts. So think about what you write. An especially thoughtful response to a question may poke you towards Modern Man on the Caveman Scale.
There are some pitfalls. Some studies say 30% of the people on internet dating sites are married, and you can bet that the percentage of guys claiming to be girls is not zero. That fact should never leave the back of your brain, ever.
Picking a service. Yahoo is like the wild west. Like a great big bag of random people, and you just reach in and grab one out. Not the best way to go. eHarmony is really freaky, almost sterile...go there if you want to meet a librarian. Don't try the one for gorgeous people, you don't want a girl who thinks she is beautiful, you want one who IS beautiful and they are not on sites like that. And even if they were, you couldn't afford one. I was on Match, which had a pretty low Freak Factor, at least in my local zone. I rarely felt like my life was in danger. That's important.
Writing your profile. The single most important advice I can give you is to write a very good profile. This is what gets you noticed. You need to project an image of being intelligent, funny, caring, kind, strong, not stalkerish, employed, and entirely non-felonious. You rescue puppies on your day off. And you need to project this image in just a few short paragraphs, with one or two recent pictures. Say that you work out, even if you don't. Planting a positive image is what the profile is all about, and even mentioning things like working out and hiking and picnics and playing with kids makes you seem like a better catch. But don't brag! There are plenty of ways to expose your best attributes without actually mentioning them. You have to hint at them tangentially and get the girl to ask you about them later. Then you can slowly slip in more good stuff while looking entirely modest at the same time. Gets through the filters better. Like a resume. Or better yet, a multi-chapter story. You want her to form a good opinion of you - good enough so she wants to know more. And your writing needs to be coherent and please run the dang thing through a spelling checker! If you are no Lord Byron and you have friends who are girls, ask them to help proofread for you.
There is no reason I can think of where you would ever want to mention an ex in any capacity in your profile. Just don't. It's worse than detailing a family history of homicidal tendencies linked with bipolar disorder. Later when you meet, use these rules with regards to past relationships: 1) Mention ex's very rarely, and only when you would seem to be avoiding talking about them if you didn't say something at that point. 2) talk of them as though you broke up on reasonably good terms, and 3) speak as though there are no regrets of the breakup on either side and no chance of getting back with them.
If you have kids, never try to hide that fact. That's a pretty big Sunday surprise. If they are cute, keep their pictures with you at all times. When you talk about what you do on an average week, mention them alot, to show you are a good father.
The picture. No pics with strippers or hooters girls hanging on you, no matter how fun it seemed at the time. No frat party pics, and nothing where you are in a Speedo no matter how well-hung you are. Nothing contrived where you are obviously trying to look cool. Don't pose next to a Ferrari, whether or not you own it. If you do, you're bragging, and if you don't she'll find out when you drive up to meet her in your banged-up 1975 Valiant. Don't pose like James Dean or Elvis, because you are not James Dean or Elvis. You are, in fact, you. So try to look like him. A picture really is worth a thousand words, and you don't want those words to be a pulp novel or superhero comic book.
Making Contact & Chatting. If someone seems even a little bit interesting, write them a short note to tell them why you think so. No "winks"! And no canned intros, they all talk, somehow (Never really figured out how). Please, please...read her profile! Actually read it, the whole thing. And respond to it specifically, ignoring anything racy they said in it. Concentrate on the parts about family and leisure activities that you seem to have in common. If you want to comment on her picture, say something nice and keep it tame. Do not comment on breasts or lips. And no "you have great eyes" either, that's a big, hairy, fell-on-the-floor-and-rolled-under-the-bed cheeseball thing to say. Take notes. Don't mix them up when you talk to more than one girl at once. If you do, just forget it and slink away from that one with your tail between your legs, because BZZZZT! you lose.
Don't Stalk. Do I even need to say this? If a girl likes you, you'll know. Trying to convince someone who does not like you to like you is a futile venture, at best. And a prison sentence at worst.
Meeting. Meet early...don't write emails for 6 months first, or you will surely wrap your whole life around the image you have of someone and they will never live up to that. Pick a coffee shop or other public place to make them feel better and in case she is in reality a 6' 5" hairy linebacker who wants to try a rough cross over. Never invite her to meet you at your house, no matter what kind of fantasy this might invoke in your male brain. You'll end up with a freak at your door sooner or later, one that is hard to get rid of and who knows where you live.
And when you meet, if you see her first and don't like what you see, don't just slink away. That's bad form, and mean. Give it a chance. You can put up with anything for an hour, so keep your dignity and paste on a smile and say hello.
And don't meet for the first time at a movie, you'll sit together for two hours in the dark, stewing in awkward silence as love unfolds onscreen. Because you know you're taking her to a chick flick.
Not Meeting. If you quickly come to the realization that a certain girl is not for you, you need to get out fast. Don't drag it on or give a false impression of seeing something you know isn't there. If she is persistent, you might have to invoke Plan B: Just Disappear. You can start with not responding, but if that doesn't work, you may have to take more involved evasive action. Faking a family death or grave illness can help, but it's only temporary (unless of course the death is YOU). If she still doesn't back off, start talking crazy, or tell her you love her and hint at moving in and quitting your job. Failing that, issue the coups de grace: Tell her you have a genital itch that feels like it's on fire and even scratching it with a fork doesn't help.
If even that doesn't work, your only option is resigning your membership, changing your name, and moving to another city.
How to tell when you are being scammed. If your would-be girl tells you that she has more pictures of herself on her website, and you visit to find that she takes Visa and charges for these pictures, you my friend are being scammed. Don't date her more than two or three times after that, max.
The Weight Thing. Yes, you know what I mean. Guys all wish they could just ask girls what they really want to know: "So, what do you look like in a bikini?" But this information is well hidden by the typical women who doesn't believe she is skinny. Beware when her picture is cropped close, or missing, or she selects "A few extra pounds" in the "Body Type" checkbox or mentions more than eight favorite TV shows, or that her favorite food is "ice cream".
Relax. Because the more uptight you are, the more you will NOT seem like the person you really are. And then you're just wasting your time.
I record these observations because I hope they can be of use to good guys out there currently entangled in the hairball of interaction we call internet dating. Good luck, and bring a fork.
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